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August 2, 2011 / iainnd

The Fable of the Coolest Guy Ever

“You ready?” Travis asked quietly. He didn’t want to interrupt Chuck’s preparation. Travis let the question hang in the air as Chuck leaned on the bar, gazing meditatively into – almost through – the glass he held steadily in his hand. As Travis stepped back to give Chuck some space, Chuck lifted his head. He held up a finger, then in one swift motion finished his drink. He slammed the empty glass onto the bar, adjusted the collar of his jacket and cracked his neck.
“Let’s do this,” Chuck sneered. It was time. Read more…

July 1, 2011 / iainnd

Mr Popper’s Penguins, as understood by someone who hasn’t seen it

Mr Popper’s Penguins came out yesterday.

Did you watch the trailer? I didn’t. Here is 100% of my knowledge about the movie:
-It has Jim Carrey
-It has penguins Read more…

June 16, 2011 / iainnd

An Oath for Geoff

My housemate has a thesis due soon. He was asked by his professor to write him an oath that he would hand it in on time. He employed me for this task, asking that it be as ridiculously pretentious as possible. I think I did alright:

By the tolling of the fifth afternoon bell,
On the fifteenth day in July
In this Year of our Lord eleven and twenty hundred
This shall be done:
This, my duty, my goal, my destiny
Verily I do swear to fulfil on the name of my family;
For should I fail in my promise,
Let naught but shame and dishonour
Fall unto the House of Pidcock.
My thesis complete
In two copies hard, inked upon Reflex sheets of white,
Bound in hide of cow by the goblins of AllBook;
With one copy digital, the sum of all my knowledge
In the language of machines, a mass of ones and zeros.
As sure as the sun glows in our sky,
As sure as day becometh night,
As sure as our lease of these earthly bodies of ours expires
And we leave them to the ground to wither to dust,
These things I shall bequeath to you.
May 31, 2011 / iainnd

Creative Writing Assignment

This is something I wrote as an assignment for my Creative Writing class at uni. My first assignment was a short story which I won’t put here because it’s very different from what I usually write.
The criteria stated that across both assignments we were to cover at least two forms out of short story, dramatic script, and poetry, so I wrote this because I decided fuck poetry. It’s due this Thursday, so what I hand in will be largely unchanged from this.
There’s a few jokes in here that I’ve used in other things I’ve written.
Thanks to Aaron for the line about video games.

Enjoy. Read more…

May 30, 2011 / iainnd

Student Forums Can Be Helpful Sometimes

I have a uni assignment due later this week. Rather than sit down and actually do it, I decided I’d waste some time on the forum for the subject. I think this will help me. Read more…
May 19, 2011 / iainnd

Young man killed by falling from 7th floor balcony, absolutely nothing else

A twenty-year-old man died tragically on Sunday from a seven-storey fall after making the decision to lie down on top of a railing, and from absolutely nothing else.

Acton Beale, a grown adult with no known developmental disorders, is remembered as “someone who should have fucking known better, really.”

While traditionally reserved for infinitely more sensible locations such as beds, couches, and floors, the worldwide phenomena of lying down on things began long before humanity existed.

“While there are no dangers in the act of lying down in itself,” every single person in the world said, “people should avoid doing things that could result in them ending up on the wrong side of a railing.”

Guard rails, which were invented to protect people from accidental falls that could cause serious injury and death, exist for literally no other reason.

“If a rail is somewhere – especially on the balcony of an apartment on the seventh floor – it means something bad could happen if you end up on the other side,” the entire planet told reporters. Those with fully-functioning brains went on to say that lying down – or even standing or sitting – on a railing that high up, is an inherently bad decision. “Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say that,” the whole population of Earth added.

Authorities are calling claims that an internet fad was responsible for the death “fucking ridiculous, I mean, come on.”

May 12, 2011 / iainnd

To Kill A Mockingbird, as understood by someone who didn’t read it

Author’s note: I had to read this book for school in Year 10, which was seven years ago. I got less than a quarter of the way through it, but I’m pretty sure this is what it was about. Read more…

May 3, 2011 / iainnd

An Open Letter To Kesha (or Ke$ha)

Dear Kesha;

First up, I hope it’s not too presumptuous to refer to you by your civilian name rather than your stage name (with the dollar sign), but I figure I should get used to it. See, the reason I’m writing to you is because I am thoroughly convinced that we could – nay, verily we should – be best friends. It is very difficult for me to keep this letter brief, as the reasons are so vastly numerous. Below I’ve listed the most important ones, only some of them involving my dong. Read more…

April 20, 2011 / iainnd

Mystery in the Big City! – A Gossip Girl Story

Author’s note: This is what I actually believe Gossip Girl to be about. Read more…

April 11, 2011 / iainnd

A Thing That Totally Happened: The Iain Newton-Doull Story

The other day on Facebook, this thing happened:

So this is that. Read more…