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January 9, 2014 / iainnd

I could totally write Game of Thrones

George R. R. Martin. Dude is old. How old? I don’t know. He has grey hair so maybe, like, 900? I’m not so good at guessing people’s ages.
Point is, the guy will probably die soon. And he’s publicly stated that if he dies before he can finish his acclaimed A Verbing of Nouns series, he doesn’t want another author to continue it. And while I agree with his reasoning for doing so (essentially, it’s because all fan-fiction is objectively terrible), I gotta say – eat a dick, Georgie.

I am qualified as hell to continue your nerd books without you. Honestly? It’s a simple process:

  1. Start writing a medieval fantasy story. If you can’t think of a name for a character, just take a regular name and replace one letter. Frod is a good one, I don’t think anybody’s named Frod yet.
  2. Get stuck, abandon it.
  3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 several hundred times.
  4. Grab a bunch of these stories, then go back and make them loosely connected to each other –  throw in some vague references to what’s happening in King’s Landing, maybe decide that Brodley from story A is the cousin Parl of from story B.
  5. Add some boobs.
  6. Throw on “Then everybody fucking died.” wherever you got stuck in each story.
  7. Divide each story into chapters and spread them across several books.
  8. Add some more boobs.
  9. Don’t ever – EVER – let the dragons get to King’s Landing.

There we go. Easy. Now, they say that the hardest part of writing is coming up with titles. This is why I’ve elected to write the titles first; but mostly because I’ve had too much coffee and this is way easier than applying for jobs. Expect all of the following books on shelves eventually – though, a few years apart since I need time between writing to install a diving board in the room where I intend to store my gold coins.

  • A Coming of Winters
  • A Change of Seasons
  • A Counting of Crows
  • A Dream of Visions
  • An Unleashing of Hounds
  • A Seeing of Boobs
  • A War of Stars
  • A Batch of Cumbers
  • A Lord of Rings
  • A War of Stars Part II: A Trek of Stars
  • A Slipping of Nips
  • A Vision of Dreams
  • A Club of Fighting
  • A Thing of Candy Beans
  • A World of Warcraft
  • A Breaking of Bad
  • A Hanging of Overs
  • A Hanging of Overs Part II (this is really just Part I except with a monkey instead of a baby)
  • A Throne of Games
  • A Game of Thorns
  • A Thrame of Gorns
  • A Gramb of Thuns
  • A Garp of Trumps
  • A Garble Frags
  • A Grunkle Flops
  • A Cashing of Checks
  • A Fortune of Royalties
  • A Phoning-In of Titles
  • 35 Feedings of Buzz (That Only 90s Kids Will Remember)
  • A Softening of Fabrics
  • A Doing of Things
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