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May 31, 2011 / iainnd

Creative Writing Assignment

This is something I wrote as an assignment for my Creative Writing class at uni. My first assignment was a short story which I won’t put here because it’s very different from what I usually write.
The criteria stated that across both assignments we were to cover at least two forms out of short story, dramatic script, and poetry, so I wrote this because I decided fuck poetry. It’s due this Thursday, so what I hand in will be largely unchanged from this.
There’s a few jokes in here that I’ve used in other things I’ve written.
Thanks to Aaron for the line about video games.


We open on a shot of a door, its window labelled “ED BRICK: PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR (WHO IS VERY HANDSOME).” The door is open. We pan across and inside the room where ED is sitting at his desk, drinking from a glass of bourbon.
ED (V.O.)
It started like any other day. Slow. Raining. Ain’t no sunshine in a stinkin’ city like this, except for the times when there is. Reminded me that I left my clothes on the line this morning. Dammit. Always happens. Guy can’t catch a break in this stinkin’ city.
Ed presses a button on the intercom.
Any calls, Suzie?
No, Mr Brick. No calls.
Keep me posted.
Yes sir, Mr Brick.
ED (V.O.)
Slow day. They were all slow days in this stinkin’ city. You wouldn’t think it with all the racing around people do on the streets. Pushing and shoving, not a care for each other. Bump into you and knock your stuff out of your hands and forget about you not a minute later. There’s no connecting anymore. Not in this stinkin’ city.
You have a visitor, Mr Brick.
Is it the police? Tell them the intercom’s broken.
I’m not sure that’d work, Mr Brick.
Well, shit, tell them I’m not here.
I don’t think that would work either. And it’s not the cops.
We PAN ACROSS and Ed realises that HIS DOOR IS OPEN. Suzie and a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN can very easily see into his office. Suzie waves cheerfully.
(into the intercom)
Send her in.
The woman walks gracefully into Ed’s office. He stands up and walks around his desk to greet her. He looks up and notices her for the first time. He is VISIBILY IMPRESSED.
ED (V.O.)
She was a piece of work, alright. Broad like her stuck out in a stinkin’ city like this one. Gams from here to yaya, she had. I imagine if one were to use Google Maps to get directions from this stinkin’ city to yaya, all it’d tell you was to check out that dame’s gams. Her rack was majestic and she had a caboose that would make you forget just how silly a word “caboose” is.
(giggling to himself)
Haha, “caboose”.
The woman briefly looks VERY CONFUSED by this, then ignores it and holds out her hand for him to shake it.
Good morning, Detective Brick.
ED (V.O.)
Her voice could get you to curse out your own grandmother if she just asked.
Ed turns around, takes the phone from his desk and dials a number.
(into the phone)
Yes, hello, Grandmammy? Yeah, fuck you.
He hangs up quickly.
ED (V.O.)
I mean, she didn’t, but you can never be too careful.
He shakes her hand and invites her to take a seat.
Good morning. And please, call me Detective Brick.
I just did.
Ed sits at his desk and takes out a bottle of bourbon and another glass.
(ignoring what she just said)
So, what can I do for you, Miss…
Viper. Mrs. Cindy Viper.
Viper…like the flower?
Like the snake.
The flower snake, yes. So what can I do for you?
Ed pours the bourbon into each of the glasses. He takes one and drinks.
I have a job that needs doing. They told me you could do it. They said you’re the best.
She goes to take the other glass, but Ed SNATCHES it from her and drinks from it.
I am. And also very handsome. So what do you need done?
ED (V.O.)
I began to hope that it somehow involved her getting naked.
Cindy reaches into her bag and pulls out an UNLABELED FOLDER which she passes to Ed.
You’ll find all the details in there.
Ed looks through the folder.
You’re asking a lot there, sugar. This guy has some pretty scary friends. It’ll cost you a fair bit.
I know. I’ll pay whatever you want when it’s done.
When it’s done?
I can give you a very generous downpayment today.
How generous, exactly?
Cindy writes a check and passes it to Ed. He is surprised when he reads it.
That’s…that is a very good number. I like that number. If that number had a Facebook page, I would like that page.
Cindy SMILES, then stands up to leave.
I’m glad you approve. So do we have a deal?
Ed steps over to join her. He grabs her arm.
Well babe,
(takes a drink)
I’ll see what I can do.
I’m sure you won’t disappoint.
She turns to leave but Ed is still holding her arm. She tries to pull her arm back but Ed is oblivious.
(visibly uncomfortable)
Stop that.
Ed and his partner RICK are crouching and looking over the edge at a building across the street, both wearing all black. We join them mid-conversation.
…and that’s why you’re an idiot for believing that people eat spiders in their sleep.
ED (V.O.)
Rick was a good kid.
Are you doing that narration thing again?
ED (V.O.)
Stupid, but a good kid.
Yep, you’re doing the face.
Ed is squinting slightly, looking very serious, pretending to be badass.
ED (V.O.)
Stupid, stupid Rick. But then, that’s what this stinkin’ city does to you. It slowly drains—
You’re talking about “this stinkin’ city” again, aren’t you?
Shut up, there’s the guy.
Across the road a man exits the building.
You sure that’s him? Doesn’t look like him.
I’m certain. It looks exactly like him.
It looks like the guy who gave us the job.
A woman gave us this job. The one with the gams.
No, I’m pretty sure it was a dude. I was there the whole time.
Yeah, but you were completely trashed.
I was not.
A flashback to the scene from earlier. Ed is holding Cindy’s arm as she tries to leave. We PAN ACROSS to a previously unseen corner of the office. RICK is standing there, surrounded by MANY EMPTY BOTTLES, wearing a BEER HELMET and a t-shirt with “Rick!” printed on the front.
(unnecessarily loud)
Dude, ask if she’ll pay us in garlic bread!
Cindy turns around and gives him a puzzling look.
Will you pay us in garlic bread?
You also made out with a fat chick at some point.
That didn’t happen. You made that up.
I’m not at all surprised that you don’t remember. You passed out, but not before declaring that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is seriously underappreciated and was treated unfairly by critics.
Was I really that bad?
Ed nods.
(deeply serious)
Man, I should re-evaluate my drinking habits. I mean, things are starting to get out of hand. Sometimes I wake up not knowing where I am. One time I was covered in blood and I don’t think it was mine, and when I tried to remember what happened, all I heard was screaming. Loud, desperate screaming, and—
Rick is interrupted by a GUNSHOT. Ed has just fired a SNIPER RIFLE. He ducks down behind the edge of the roof.
Job’s done.
I get headaches all the time and they won’t go away…
Ed GRABS him and pulls him down.
Get down, god dammit!
Ed puts the rifle down, then the two FREEZE and stare at something off-screen. The camera turns around to reveal CINDY VIPER standing and pointing a handgun at them.
That’s right. That man you just shot was my twin brother. Now I’m going to get all the inheritance. All I need is to get rid of anyone who can trace this back to me. I was also a robot the whole time.
Rick turns to Ed and they both nod.
Let’s do this.
The two jump IMPOSSIBLY HIGH into the air and BACKFLIP towards Cindy.
Jesus Christ.
Ed lands behind her, Rick in front. Rick KNOCKS the gun out of her hand. They both take handcuffs from their pockets. Ed cuffs her hands, Rick takes her ankles.
Good work, buddy.
They HIGH-FIVE and there is an EXPLOSION in the background.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, LET ME FINISH. Ed’s phone starts ringing. He takes it out and answers it.
Shut up. Shut up, Ed.
YOU shut up.
(into the phone)
Hello, Chief? Yes? The president, you say? Kidnapped by ninjas? We’re on it.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Ed hangs up the phone.
(to Rick)
Go pick up the car we have that is also a jet!
Got it!
Rick runs and BACKFLIPS off the roof.
Wait, Ed, before you go…please make love to me. You are very very attractive.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
LOUD ROCK MUSIC starts playing.
Sorry babe,
(he puts on a pair of sunglasses)
I’ve got a president to save.
Ed LEAPS from the roof and lands on top of THE CAR THAT IS ALSO A JET, where—
“Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Do not say another word,” Alice interrupts.
“No, but this part is the coolest. See, the ninjas were also communists and—“ She cuts me off again.
“Shut up, Ed. Do you really expect me to believe any of this?”
I think for a moment. This might be a trick.
“OK, I might have made up a few small details here and there, and Rick said a whole bunch of really racist things that I left out.” I admit, “But the part about him making out with a fat chick, that’s real. That happened.”
“So the reason you were late for our anniversary dinner – which I had to plan – is because you and Rick were saving the president from communist ninjas.”
“Communinjas,” I nod.
“Really? Because I messaged Rick before you got here.” I keep nodding because I’m confident that she’s going somewhere good with this. “He told me that you spent all day sniffing white-out and reading Sin City comics.”
“I see,” I stroke my chin. “That certainly is one possible interpretation of the events, yes.” Stupid, stupid Rick.
“And you do know that private investigators and assassins are completely different things, right? You don’t hire an investigator to shoot someone.”
“Look, we could sit here all night and talk about what PIs do and don’t do, but the fact of the matter is—“
“Shut the fuck up.” Alice smiles at me. Actually, maybe it’s a frown. Shit, I don’t know, I get confused sometimes. Man, girls are hard. They’re not like video games. They have all these weird parts and they yell a lot.
“The communinjas were also zombies—“
“Ed,” she interrupts again. It’s very impolite.
“So, like, zommuninjas, you could call them.“
“Dammit Ed!” she yells, and I think she’s mad at me. I don’t know why. It must be that period thing I’ve heard about.
“Every time we go somewhere, you’re always late. You come up with some bullshit fabrication about zombies or robots or, I don’t know, fucking time travel and—“
“Man, that was a good one.” It really was.
“Shut up. I’m sick of your stupid excuses. You’re lazy, you’re stupid, you’re going nowhere in life, you don’t have a job, you got fired from Sanity for spitting on a customer—“
“I didn’t spit on her, I spat at her. Also, that didn’t happen at all.”
“It did. I know this because it was my sister you spat on.”
“Spat at,” I correct her again. “Plus she wanted to buy The Big Bang Theory, so really she had it coming.”
“Shut up.”
She sure tells me to shut up a lot. I wish she’d say something different. Oh man, if I were a Jedi I could use the mind trick and shit to make her say whatever I want. “Golly Ed,” she’d say. “You sure are handsome and your dong is large.” I’d also get to go to space. Jedi go to space all the time, it’s so sweet. I’d get all the space-bitches. Wait, shit, Alice is talking. Actually, I think she has been for a while.
“…and I really don’t think it’s worth it.” I hope it isn’t anything important because I’m sure as hell not listening, but I nod to make it look like I am. I think she’s finished. “So you agree then?” she asks.
“Yes. Wait. Hang on,” I should probably find out what I’m agreeing to. “What’d you say?” She sighs. Either because she thinks I’m so dreamy or because she’s angry. Again, I can’t really tell. “Sorry, I was busy thinking about space-cleavage.”
“We need to see other people.” That’s probably not a good thing. In fact, I’m almost certain it isn’t.
“Hey,” I say gently, and I take her hand because that’s what you do when you’re trying to be romantic isn’t it? I’ve seen it in movies. “I know I forgot our annumversity, and I know you’re mad at me for some reason, but listen—“ And she interrupts me again.
“’Annumversity?’ Is that what you just said?”
“I said whatever the correct word is, yes.” I sure dodged that bullet. I’m like fuckin’ Neo over here.
“You don’t even know what an anniversary is, do you Ed?” Knowing her, this is probably a trick question.
“I have a vague idea,” I answer, because I read somewhere that chicks like honesty. “Is that the thing that Tom Cruise does? The thing with all the thetans?”
“You’re an idiot.” I guess her chair is really uncomfortable because she stands up.
“Look, sugar tits,” I also read that they like pet names. “The thing is—“
Before I can finish talking, she accidentally spills a whole glass of water right in my face. She must be really embarrassed about it because by the time I get it out of my eyes she’s on her way out of the restaurant.
“So I’ll call you tomorrow?” I call out to her.
“Fuck off, Ed” she calls back. She’s really mean to me sometimes. Girls are weird like that.
“Hey buddy,” I say to a guy sitting at the next table. He turns around, I gesture towards Alice and shrug. “Women, huh?” I laugh for several hours.


Leave a Comment
  1. Essay / Jun 20 2011 9:52 am

    A good writer has to have a good mind to see things that aren't there, things that are different from his or her reality, but also able to convince the readers that those things are true or relatively true.Assignment Help

  2. Mellor / Nov 10 2011 7:03 am

    If you write a book one day, I will buy it.

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