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May 19, 2011 / iainnd

Young man killed by falling from 7th floor balcony, absolutely nothing else

A twenty-year-old man died tragically on Sunday from a seven-storey fall after making the decision to lie down on top of a railing, and from absolutely nothing else.

Acton Beale, a grown adult with no known developmental disorders, is remembered as “someone who should have fucking known better, really.”

While traditionally reserved for infinitely more sensible locations such as beds, couches, and floors, the worldwide phenomena of lying down on things began long before humanity existed.

“While there are no dangers in the act of lying down in itself,” every single person in the world said, “people should avoid doing things that could result in them ending up on the wrong side of a railing.”

Guard rails, which were invented to protect people from accidental falls that could cause serious injury and death, exist for literally no other reason.

“If a rail is somewhere – especially on the balcony of an apartment on the seventh floor – it means something bad could happen if you end up on the other side,” the entire planet told reporters. Those with fully-functioning brains went on to say that lying down – or even standing or sitting – on a railing that high up, is an inherently bad decision. “Seriously, are you fucking kidding me? I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say that,” the whole population of Earth added.

Authorities are calling claims that an internet fad was responsible for the death “fucking ridiculous, I mean, come on.”

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