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April 20, 2011 / iainnd

Mystery in the Big City! – A Gossip Girl Story

Author’s note: This is what I actually believe Gossip Girl to be about.

It was a boring day at Cosmopolitan Girls High School. History class was lame and Geography didn’t have nearly enough rocks. The hours dragged on until lunchtime, when Sasha Loudmouth took her seat at the table with the popular girls, where she always sat opposite her best BFF forever, Toni Hearsay.
Sasha was a very beautiful girl of 16 so it’s not creepy of me to say that, with long fiery red hair and scorching red nail polish making her fingers look like match sticks only longer and they weren’t made of wood. Toni was a smokin’ blonde who was also above the age of consent, with icy blue eyes that could chill you like you were somewhere cold. They were totes besties, but to the outside observer it would look like they clashed like fire and ice, which I’m told is called foreshadowing.

“And oh my god, he’s so cute!” said one of the other girls who probably had rich parents.
“I agree,” said another. “He’s a real dreamboat!” she added, because it was the 1950s.
On and on they continued, talking about boys and ponies and whatnot.

Suddenly, Principal Schoolman’s principal-like voice came through the PA system.
“Attention students, I have just been informed that there is a monster attacking the city using a mystery. There is no cause for alarm. So far it has only attacked empty buildings made of plywood and caused a lot of smoke and sparks. Please remain calm. Classes will continue as usual.”

Sasha and Toni glanced at each other and gasped. Surely there was only one thing to do about this! Sasha took her grape juice and spilled it on herself, making it look like an accident.
“Oh no! Sorry, gotta go girls!” she pointed to the stain. “Fashion emergency!” The girls agreed and she rushed off. Toni stood up as well.
“My period!” she shouted grossly, then ran to catch up to Sasha.

The girls stormed purposefully down the hallway in their skimpy uniforms to their lockers. They each opened them and moved aside a hidden panel on the back, revealing a monitor and speaker.
“Password please,” a voice from the speaker requested. The girls both leaned in and whispered;


Downtown, the gigantic lizard man was stomping around in the smoke and fake buildings like nobody’s business, until it was interrupted by two giant flashes of light – one red, one blue. When its vision returned, in front of it stood two saucy and busty young ladies in low-cut tops and barely legal tights.
“Stop right there!” shouted the girl in red.
“We’ve solved your mystery!” announced the one in blue. “You wanted some gossip, and we’re the girls for the job!”
The lizard man took an angry swipe at them both. The girl in the blue jumped over and pulled her friend out of the way, then they stumbled and fell, the girl in red pinned underneath the blue girl, and their mouths were like this close together you guys, it was so hot.

They got up, unharmed and ready for a fight.
“What’s the matter?” asked the girl in red. “Getting a little…hot under the collar?”
She held out her arms and spread her fingers apart, then giant jets of flame shot from her fingernails, roasting the lizard man who screamed in pain but still remained upright. He tried to attack them again but missed.
“Gee,” said the girl in blue. “Looks like you need to…cool off!”
She squinted and blue beams launched from her eyes. Upon contact with the lizard man, the beams immediately encased it entirely in a neat cube of ice. Then it exploded. I don’t know where the military was this whole time.


The next day, the whole school was abuzz as Sasha and Toni arrived.
“Have you guys heard?” one of the girls from before asked.
“Heard what?” Sasha asked.
“This!” she exclaimed, producing a newspaper. On the front page was a story about the Gossip Girls and their encounter with the lizard man and the mystery. “Gee, those Gossip Girls sure are something! I wonder who they are?”
Sasha and Toni looked knowingly towards each other.
“I guess we’ll never know!” Toni shrugged.

Then there was a huge pillow fight.

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