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April 11, 2011 / iainnd

A Thing That Totally Happened: The Iain Newton-Doull Story

The other day on Facebook, this thing happened:

So this is that.

EXT. UNIVERSITY – DAY

People are galavanting about before a graduation ceremony. Chatting, taking photos, adjusting their fancy robes and whatnot. A mustachioed MAN in a suit, bowler hat and sunglasses, holding a BRIEFCASE stands by himself, looking around expectantly. He raises his hand in front of his face and speaks into a radio in the cuff of his jacket.

MAN
This guy’s sure taking his time. I’m getting antsy over here.

Across the road is IAIN – muscular, handsome, badass. He holds his hand over his ear, talking to the man through his own radio.

IAIN
Patience, McSweeny, he’ll show. You make the drop then we’ll get out of here.
MCSWEENY
It’s been half an hour. I don’t like it. And this disguise is itching like a motherfucker.

He scratches his mustache – a fake.

IAIN
So’s my trigger finger. Keep an eye out.

Iain is approached by his brother GRAEME, whose FACE IS A BUTT and he SMELLS LIKE TURDS. He’s also A HUGE GAY. He introduces Iain to ALANA. Iain keeps an eye on McSweeny the entire time.

GRAEME
…And this is my brother, Iain, who is infinitely greater than me in every imaginable way.
IAIN
Sup champ.
GRAEME
This is Alana, and I like boys and their doodles.
ALANA
You and my sister have a mutual friend.
IAIN
Oh?

A SUITED MAN approaches McSweeny.

MCSWEENY
He’s here.
IAIN
I got you, buddy.
ALANA
Emma Gorrie.
IAIN
Yeah, she was a year above me in school.
ALANA
She said you’re her tech support, and very handsome and have a large dong.
IAIN
It’s true. And she used to work in a pharmacy so I’m all the time asking her for medical advice.
ALANA
And she’s a physio so–
IAIN
(interrupting)
MCSWEENY!
CUT TO:
The suited man has STABBED McSweeny. Iain draws his GUN, but another suited man GRABS him from behind. Iain swiftly defeats him with SO MUCH KRAV MAGA because he is a TOTAL BADASS, then SHOOTS him. The man who stabbed McSweeny GRABS the briefcase and begins SHOOTING at Iain. Iain uses his attacker as a human shield and FIRES back at him.
IAIN
(into his radio)
Leeroy, we’ve got a situation here!
LEEROY (O.S)
(through the radio)
On it.

A BLACK CAR drives up and the suited man enters. He and another passenger continue FIRING at Iain as the car drives away. Iain runs over to McSweeny.

IAIN
McSweeny!
MCSWEENY
He got me, Iain. The bastard got me. Is it bad?

Iain looks down. McSweeny’s intestines are CLEARLY HANGING OUT EVERYWHERE.

IAIN
(his voice shaking)
You look good, man.

He fixes McSweeny’s collar.

IAIN
You’re gonna pull through. Come on, get up. We gotta get you home so you can open that auto garage like you always talked about.

McSweeny looks down SHOCKED, then chuckles uneasily.

MCSWEENY
I’m not going anywhere, man. Look at me.

McSweeny closes his eyes.

IAIN
Dammit McSweeny, stay with me!

McSweeny opens his eyes.

MCSWEENY
Sorry, Iain. I’ve followed you on many adventures…but into the great unknown mystery, I go first.

McSweeny DIES. Iain closes McSweeny’s eyes.

IAIN
Goodbye old friend, who totally existed all the time.

Suddenly, a SWEET RED CONVERTIBLE SPORTS CAR pulls up, driven by LEEROY, a very OFFENSIVE BLACK STEREOTYPE.

LEEROY
I’m here, cracker.
(noticing McSweeny)
Daaaaang man, brother done got messed up good!

Iain JUMPS into the passenger seat.

IAIN
Forget McSweeny, we need to get a move on.
LEEROY
What’s the plan, brother man?

Iain COCKS his gun.

IAIN
Head after that black car. Some motherfuckers are graduating with a Bachelor of Getting Their Asses Kicked…
(puts on sunglasses)
and a major in Eating Lead.

The car SPEEDS OFF as LOUD ROCK MUSIC plays.

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3 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Anonymous / Apr 11 2011 1:21 pm

    FUCK

  2. Anonymous / Apr 11 2011 1:21 pm

    I CANT

  3. Anonymous / Apr 12 2011 4:49 am

    You're hot…

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