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November 12, 2010 / iainnd

Fuck the Dyson Airblade

The Dyson Airblade is a hand dryer and death machine powered by your nightmares. It scares the shit out of me and I fucking hate it.

“But Iain,” you interrupt because you are very rude. “You are a hardened and intimidating badass. I know this because you curse a lot and have sideburns. How could you possibly be afraid of a simple hand dryer? Are you secretly some kind of pansy man?”

Well, dear reader, first of all, fuck you. Second, hear me out. I am certain that someday this devourer of souls will one day cause my death and it’s only partially related to the fact that I am a lunatic whose one-handed grasp on reality slips further and further every day with no hope of the Millennium Falcon coming back to Cloud City to rescue him.

I first encountered them working at an abattoir a few years ago. Yes, in a place that only exists so that things can be killed in it, I found the hand dryer to be the biggest threat to my life. Consider that it looks like this:

Dyson’s revolutionary laser technology disintegrates water and germs as they enter the Airblade. Also, your fucking hands.

To operate it, you put your hands inside as illustrated. Those yellow-monobrowed eyes that Dyson will try to tell you are just sensors detect your delicious fleshy hands and blow air onto them until you remove them. How can you trust that thing? Look at it. It will eat you.

For absolutely no reason, I’m also convinced that somehow, a murderous prankster is going to one day replace the yellow rubber edges with fucking blades, effectively turning it into an upside-down version of the glass box trap in Saw 2. Why? I don’t even know. The name of the product certainly doesn’t help this.

Haha I got you so good! You should see your face! Only you can’t right now, because you’re fucking dead!

Also compounding the problem is the fact that I’m a hygiene freak. I wash my hands whenever I do anything. If I go out somewhere, once I get back home – even if I don’t touch anything but the doorknob – I will feel dirty until I wash my hands. I once even washed my hands after spilling soap on them – using more of the very same soap I spilled. This obsessive hand washing means I need to use the hand dryers. Shaking water off my hands never works. I can’t dry my hands on my pants or I’ll look like I’ve pissed myself. I can’t dry them on my shirt or I’ll look like someone else has pissed me.

And it definitely doesn’t help that my uni installed Airblades in their toilets this year. I can’t escape.


Leave a Comment
  1. Anonymous / Nov 12 2010 3:01 am

    You are now aware that the regular hand driers are germ farms.They suck germs in from the near-by toilets and provide a nice, warm atmosphere for them to breed….all over your hands

  2. Anonymous / Nov 12 2010 3:14 am

    I'd be more worried about raptor attacks than germs. Also dicks. I worry about dicks.

  3. Anonymous / Nov 12 2010 5:17 am

    my anus is bleeding

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