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October 21, 2010 / iainnd

The Lithgow Conspiracy, or: Where the hotties at?

Lithgow, New South Wales. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. It’s the most common town to stop when driving either way through the Blue Mountains, to the point where people who have been there several times have only seen their fast fooderies. In fact, I’m not sure there’s much else the place has to offer. Quickly glancing at Wikipedia, there’s like a railway station and maybe some kind of tree.

No mention of this jovial fellow, sadly.

But what you will notice if you ever find yourself there is this – absolutely everybody in Lithgow is fucking gross. Everybody. It’s rare that you see even a normal person – someone without any deformities. Buck teeth, rat noses and Southern Cross tattoos surround you. It is not a nice place for your eyes to be.

I stopped by the McDonalds there this weekend during my journey from Dubbo to civilisation. Naturally, after four hours of driving, I had my share of urine to spill. I went inside to, as the saying goes, drain my snake, and while washing my hands noticed something. “That’s odd,” I thought to myself. “There is a window above the sink here, what a silly place for it.” I happed to glance inside, where I was greeted by the sight of something equally unexpected – a sexy man was staring back at me!

This was actually taken somewhere else, but there was this old guy in the room at the time and I didn’t feel comfortable taking the picture with him looking at me.

The sexy man didn’t say a word to me. He just stared. He copied my every movement, as if so starved for human contact he tried to seek a connection through mimicry having long forgotten how to communicate. Look at him, he’s shocked to even see another person. He was unshaven, but as if he was giving himself a head start at Movember and not out of laziness. I mean, his beard could turn out alright given enough time, and he rocked the shit out of those sideburns.
My encounter with this handsome mime brought with it a revelation. I suddenly discovered why Lithgow had a population as pretty as a bag of smashed assholes. They keep their good looking people prisoner.

This happens more often than you’d think.

Why is this happening? I can only speculate. But my extensive research into similar phenomena allows me to make several educated and action-filled guesses:

  • Lithgow is home to an underground sex trade that only Liam Neeson has the guts to end
  • The town is a twisted, upside-down world where the good-looking are slaves to the uggos somehow because of nuclear war
  • The man is a prisoner in a future where all communication is heavily monitored and censored, arrested because his sexy, sexy face was deemed too sexy for children
  • Home to an underground genetically modified underground sex trade that only large explosions and that one guy have the guts to end
  • Freemasons? Reptilian government? New World Order! Lady Gaga somehow…
In the meantime, all I can do is share my story, hoping to get the word out to end this monstrosity against the beautiful. Until then, fellow handsome people, if you ever come to Lithgow, keep your shanking hand primed or you too could wind up staring at a stranger washing dick germs from their hands.


Leave a Comment
  1. Anonymous / Oct 21 2010 3:37 am

    Awesome. Keep it up this is fantastic! Do moooooore…

  2. asian Property Awards / Dec 24 2013 2:04 pm

    What’s up, I log on to your blogs like every week.
    Your humoristic style is awesome, keep up the good work!

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