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April 1, 2015 / iainnd

April fool, she’s been livin’ in her uptown world

Ah yes, April Fool’s day, a day reserved for buffoonery and falsehoods. However, this year I feel that partaking in these shenanigans would be a disservice to the loyal followers of my Personal Brand, who expect nothing but quality content from me (Iain). So join me now won’t you, as I post some of my all-time favourite memes, in my neverending quest for the Good Shit. Read more…

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February 10, 2014 / iainnd

Justin Bieber is Comic Sans

I don’t watch anime, my relationship with trains is best described as “strictly professional”, and if you drop a box of toothpicks and want me to count them all you’re going to have to wait a bit. Though once I get started I’ll probably get distracted by something like interacting with another person.
This, I think, is why I don’t pay much attention to fonts. Ask my what font I used on anything I’ve written, invariably I’ll shrug and tell you “the default”. To me, “serif” sounds like a racial slur. All I care about is that words are readable, and that a capital I looks different from a lower case L because I’m pretty fucking tired of being called Lain. (Side note: why do these idiots think my name begins with a lower case letter, like I’m will.i.am or some shit?)
So I really don’t get why people are always complaining about Comic Sans. It’s completely irrational to me. It’s a font, guys. Chill out. These are people who don’t even work in design. Sons of bitches acting like the signs at the bake sale are written in Windings. You know what the words say, I don’t know what else you’re expecting. Just go have a glass of water and a nap and come back with a fresh perspective. You’ll be okay, champ.

I’m old as hell (I have a chronic back injury and one time I bought a shower curtain and it was the best thing I did all day), so I don’t get to listen to much music these days. However when I do, I play it from a library called “Music That Iain Newton-Doull Enjoys And Nothing Else”. It’s just that. Lots of music that I like and none that I don’t. Surprisingly, it’s not just 95GB of Hey Ya remixes and covers – there’s a decent amount of variety. And it hasn’t just been the same for 10 years. I get recommendations from pals, Last.fm, Grooveshark and so on. Point is, I only listen to the music I want to because I’m a big boy and can make that decision.
This is why I had no idea what a Justin Bieber was until after I’d spent months hearing friends complain about him. I thought he was some kind of unfashionable hat. Not even kidding, in my whole life I’ve only heard one Bieber song. It was on the radio in a store. It wasn’t my bag, but I was able to carry out the rest of my day.
So again, I don’t get the complaints. If it’s that easy for me to avoid his music by accident, then I don’t see what the issue is with these people who can’t stand him. His music is for tweens, so it’s not exactly pub- or club-friendly. Where are you hearing all this Bieber? Like, do you go out of your way to listen to his music just so you have something to complain about? That’s dumb. That’s a dumb thing to do and it’s your own fault. You don’t want to listen to Justin Bieber then just…just don’t do it. It’s not hard, you guys.

Honestly, by this point Justin Bieber and Comic Sans are the exact same thing to me. In both cases, people only complain about them because they’ve seen other people complain. It’s not their own opinion. Then they expect to be congratulated because they’re 25 years old and they dislike something that’s intended for teens. Real edgy opinion you got there, buddy. You don’t like things that aren’t meant for you to like. That’s super cool of you. You don’t pull no punches. And then they rush out to make the exact same jokes about how terrible they are, acting like they’re the first one to say it:
“Hey, you know how Justin Bieber has a high voice? Haha well girls do too! He is a girl, and that is bad and dumb, so he should be mocked.”
“Hey guys I just saw a sign written in Comic Sans, boy did that ruin my day! I won’t be returning to THAT store again! The owners are bad!” “Haha oh man. I hope that Bieber is no longer alive someday soon, that loss of human life would be cool and funny. Haha. Dear God, if we give you Justin Bieber, will you give us back Bob Hope, Steve Jobs and Johnny Cash? Haha I want a person to be dead for making music that I do not like.”

None of this is new. None of it was funny in the first place. Is anyone actually impressed by this shit? Or do you idiots just do it for each other? Are you like the capital-A Atheist types on Reddit who enjoy arguing exclusively with people who agree with you? Do you all just collapse into a pile and start kissing afterwards? Is this the world playing another prank on me, like the continued insistence that dubstep exists? I don’t even remember the last time I wasn’t confused please help me.

January 9, 2014 / iainnd

I could totally write Game of Thrones

George R. R. Martin. Dude is old. How old? I don’t know. He has grey hair so maybe, like, 900? I’m not so good at guessing people’s ages.
Point is, the guy will probably die soon. And he’s publicly stated that if he dies before he can finish his acclaimed A Verbing of Nouns series, he doesn’t want another author to continue it. And while I agree with his reasoning for doing so (essentially, it’s because all fan-fiction is objectively terrible), I gotta say – eat a dick, Georgie.

I am qualified as hell to continue your nerd books without you. Honestly? It’s a simple process:

  1. Start writing a medieval fantasy story. If you can’t think of a name for a character, just take a regular name and replace one letter. Frod is a good one, I don’t think anybody’s named Frod yet.
  2. Get stuck, abandon it.
  3. Repeat steps 1 and 2 several hundred times.
  4. Grab a bunch of these stories, then go back and make them loosely connected to each other –  throw in some vague references to what’s happening in King’s Landing, maybe decide that Brodley from story A is the cousin Parl of from story B.
  5. Add some boobs.
  6. Throw on “Then everybody fucking died.” wherever you got stuck in each story.
  7. Divide each story into chapters and spread them across several books.
  8. Add some more boobs.
  9. Don’t ever – EVER – let the dragons get to King’s Landing.

There we go. Easy. Now, they say that the hardest part of writing is coming up with titles. This is why I’ve elected to write the titles first; but mostly because I’ve had too much coffee and this is way easier than applying for jobs. Expect all of the following books on shelves eventually – though, a few years apart since I need time between writing to install a diving board in the room where I intend to store my gold coins.

  • A Coming of Winters
  • A Change of Seasons
  • A Counting of Crows
  • A Dream of Visions
  • An Unleashing of Hounds
  • A Seeing of Boobs
  • A War of Stars
  • A Batch of Cumbers
  • A Lord of Rings
  • A War of Stars Part II: A Trek of Stars
  • A Slipping of Nips
  • A Vision of Dreams
  • A Club of Fighting
  • A Thing of Candy Beans
  • A World of Warcraft
  • A Breaking of Bad
  • A Hanging of Overs
  • A Hanging of Overs Part II (this is really just Part I except with a monkey instead of a baby)
  • A Throne of Games
  • A Game of Thorns
  • A Thrame of Gorns
  • A Gramb of Thuns
  • A Garp of Trumps
  • A Garble Frags
  • A Grunkle Flops
  • A Cashing of Checks
  • A Fortune of Royalties
  • A Phoning-In of Titles
  • 35 Feedings of Buzz (That Only 90s Kids Will Remember)
  • A Softening of Fabrics
  • A Doing of Things
April 27, 2013 / iainnd

Why Samsung were giving away thousands of phones for free

The truck driver slowed down. He was confused. There wasn’t supposed to be road work going on here – someone on the radio would have mentioned it. Still, he continued braking until his truck halted just in front of the workman holding the Stop sign.

The workman gestured for the driver to wind down his window, which he did.

“How long have you guys been out here?” the driver asked. “No talk on the airwaves about you,” he pointed at his radio.

“Not long,” the workman answered. His helmet cast a shadow over his face that almost looked like he was wearing a mask. “Just got a job to do then we’ll be out of the way. In the mean time, would you mind stepping out of the vehicle?”

“What?”

The workman reached into his pocket and pulled something out. It wasn’t until he pointed it at the driver and it made a clicking sound that the driver recognised it as a handgun. The driver thought it best to comply.

“I don’t want any trouble,” he told the workman as he stepped down to the ground.

“We don’t either,” the workman said.

“‘We’?”

Almost instantly, the driver heard the ground crunch behind him, then immediately afterwards felt something grabbing him by the wrists and forcing them behind his back.

“You hold still now,” a voice said from behind him, as he was shoved to the ground. The driver was now close enough to see that the workman was indeed wearing a ski mask. He removed his helmet and hi-vis vest and called out to somebody.

“We got him, boss,” he announced.

In less than a second, a mass of figures emerged from the bushes nearby. Fifteen, maybe twenty men, all in ski masks, all holding guns.

“Good,” one said. “Very good.” This one walked slower, calmer than the others. As he approached, the driver saw this one was wearing a red mask. “Let’s get started then.” Read more…

October 14, 2012 / iainnd

Caffeine

This is a story I wrote a few years ago. I didn’t post it at the time because I was submitting it to a magazine that does not accept pieces that have been published elsewhere. Anyway, it didn’t get accepted, so here it is now.
It’s a little less ridiculous than my usual writing, in that it features actual human characters.
Enjoy.
Read more…

May 23, 2012 / iainnd

Dick in a Box

October 7, 2011 / iainnd

A note about Paranormal Activity 3

Paranormal Activity 3 is coming out soon. Ignoring the whole found footage gimmick, I think the movies are watchable. I’m not usually big on horror, but I find the mythology of the series interesting.
I saw the first two in cinemas, and will probably do the same with the third. That said, I felt I should address a concern I’ve had with cinema-goers for both films: Read more…